hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Randomize
