so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
there is glitter all over my balls
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
