after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
