Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
