Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
