oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
