i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
