Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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