The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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