Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
