Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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