She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
