Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
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