Whoa Z and x make the same sound
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize