Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
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