Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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