Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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