why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
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