well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
