I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Randomize
