One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Life is so much better after having sex.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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