my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize