marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
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