when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
he shaved USA in his pubs
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Randomize
