I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Randomize
