Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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