i permit you to call me
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize