I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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