i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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