Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
