I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
