Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
