Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
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