There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
