I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
