my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Randomize
