his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
