I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
