My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
we made out on top of his cat.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
