Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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