idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Randomize
