she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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