a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
