How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
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