I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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