just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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