If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
