Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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