he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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