The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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