bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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