I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
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