hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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