i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
