my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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