Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
