Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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