I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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