Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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