Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Randomize
