That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
