ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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