How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
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