Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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